Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
craving $300 all of a sudden
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
