Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
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One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Bear
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.