Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
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All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Only short people can save us
crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Home is where your toilet is.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK