Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”

Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .

ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked

Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom

Mugger: Give me your money

Me: Get ready to see some karate!

Mugger: Oh yeah?

Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag

Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.

When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

White parent Vs Arab parents

My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..

[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”

judge: do u swear to tell the truth

me: dare

judge: what

me: i choose dare instead

judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal

Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*

Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.

My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.

ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir

BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job

Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?

A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.

[looking up at night sky]

Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.

Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.

I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.

Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.

“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”

My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.

[2 cavemen]

Look what me discover! This game changer!

*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”

*takes back mixtape* FIRE!

Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”

me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now

Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands

My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”

Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?

Wife: Ewan McGreggor

Me: Thank you but you can only pick one

69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.

My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.

If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.