Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.

my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs

Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…

Me: You did?

Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!

SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy

The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.

Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?

[hawaii]

me: aloha!

my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up

me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha

gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”

omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo

Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids

this FaceApp is creepy af

HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes

DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?

HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?

The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.

Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different

A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank

[divorce court]

her: he was unfaithful

him: thats a lie!

judge: do you have proof?

her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me

him: judge, thats not being unfa-

judge: shut your cheating mouth!

I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.

Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.

Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”

Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.

Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.

As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.

ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard

HER: what mask

ME: oh

[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven

you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”

ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.

I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?

Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give

ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”

BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…

I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.

Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.

I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?