Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.

I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.

Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules

american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere

Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.

How the tables have turned Kate.

I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant

The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.

KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin

Bear Family: what’s our cover?

KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper

I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?

Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs

“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance

vampire: *goes to bite me*

me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh

A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.

looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job

“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”

Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?

tour guide: here are the sharks

me: bitey boi

guide: …and over here, a swordfish

me: pointy boi

guide: get out of the aquarium

Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.

This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.

There are really only two seasons:

soup
salad

Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.

Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise

My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT

Wife: *asks question*

Me: *gives answer*

Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…

The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*

ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no

Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?

[Wendy’s Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.

ME: Sir please get back in your car.

INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.