Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right

Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.

“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.

oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review

Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?

[First prison riot]

Me: *guarding my toilet wine*

European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”

American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”

Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream

If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet

[planning a family vacation]

Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.

Kids: Yayy, cool!

Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?

M: About 45 feet, I guess

W: I despise you

I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.

My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.

Some of y’all tomorrow …

Two-word love stories:

Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea

You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.

“When I was your age, I already owned a house”

*first date*

her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose

me: I like the sound of that

her: mmmmm oh do you now.

me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?

How to have sexy legs:

*Do lots of squats

*Go running 3x a week

*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg

*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee

*Make sure your legs go all the way up

*You can never have too many toes

*Refrigerate legs when not in use

*Wheels

Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.

I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.

alcohol is actually a performance-enhancing drug. but you’re not gonna like the performance

[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]

[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.

Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”

I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.

Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.

finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.

Her: We’re having twins!

Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!

Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket

*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*

friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously

me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!