Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone

People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.

Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.

My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..

I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”

All is not a trick question. Apparently

I’m like a cheetah, but slow.

I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.

[watching Jaws]

Me: Which ones Jaws

Girlfriend: Who do u think?

Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell

*checks the hip hop section*

Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.

I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.

Me: Aww, a bear!

Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.

Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.

I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.

All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.

[Fitbit commercial with me]

BEFORE: lazy guy

AFTER: lazy guy who had $129

Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.

peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup

Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*

Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!

Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts

In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”

Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now

You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?

In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.

Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”

Husband: You want to have sex?

Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.

Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.

Me:

[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens

Wife: Do the dishes

Me: Can’t. Holding the baby

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Can’t. Baby

Wife: Change the baby

Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.

When you’ve simply given up.

WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS