Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
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friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Generation gap…
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
