Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
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Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
I’m not proud
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
When you accidentally say french kiss instead of chef’s kiss to the server and now you can never show your face in that restaurant again.