[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
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“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
thank god
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
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ʸ
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Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
english majors be like furthermore
Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes
Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)