[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
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*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day
Opens the bottle of hot sauce
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh