annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
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I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
why is everyone yelling about nude ears
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.