Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
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you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no