Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors

Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work

Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.

[post sex interview]

reporter: what went wrong out there

me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came

My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria

It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.

“Bear with me”

-A Russian bear trainer

My love for my kids is like my data plan:

Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.

How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:

1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items

Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.

two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to

[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *

Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?

Me: Yep.

D: But how can you be so sure of that?

M: I’ve seen them in museums

D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.

Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”

Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”

[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.

putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.

If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.

Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?

Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?

Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.

📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty

2024 has been a rough few years

Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”

Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”

Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.

Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.

[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok

My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.

[baking a cake]

Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?

Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know

Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast

Me:

Niece:

Me: you’re my favorite

How much more of this can I take?

* piles food on buffet plate *