Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
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When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
what are they serving at kfc then???
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.