Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.

It’s a vicious cycle.

“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”

-Superman

Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch

My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”

A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.

Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.

“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent

A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.

A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave

*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.

Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.

Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?

I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.

Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open

Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.

“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”

People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.

SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me

*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*

Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries

My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.

Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels

*phone rings*

Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’

Me: ‘Could you do it?’

I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy

i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now

When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.

Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol

[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red

ME: truth or dare

PRIEST: just take the communion

“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.

Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.