Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…

Hormones: hey what’s up?

Me: just reading a book.

Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.

Me: wait no—

Hormones: AND CRY.

[Starbucks]
What can I get you?

I’ll have a large coffee, black

“You don’t have to say black”

I’ll have a large coffee, African American

My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch

I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.

The people have spoken – if the 20th Anniversary Edition of Back to Bedlam is Number 1 next Friday, my new name will legally be…

One week of daily crunches and I have abs…urdly underestimated how long it will take to see results.

I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.

Me: I’ll drink to that!

Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”

Farmer: Netflix and till

Moonshiner: Netflix and still

Estate planner: Netflix and will

Dentist: Netflix and drill

Attorney: Netflix and bill

Mountaineer: Netflix and hill

Doctor: Netflix and ill

Pharmacist: Netflix and pill

Jack: Netflix and Jill

Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.

Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.

Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.

The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects

Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.

Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED

DR: Good news and bad news

LADY: What’s the bad news

DR: Your husbands dead

LADY: *crying* Oh my god

DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is

The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands

He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s

The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair

I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

Breakfast in bed.

[DATE]

ME: I’m a literature buff

HER: who do you read?

ME: read?

*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*

Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.

Primenesia?

When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.

Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?

Me: when you’re a parent, you just no

Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.

waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?

me: umm on a grill?

waiter: no how would you like it served?

me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please

Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.

*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying

Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.

I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.