Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*

Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.

2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black

2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos

i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.

#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬

Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”

I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker

[if my cat tweeted]

When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.

[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?

Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”

Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?

We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas

The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold

Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is

when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom

I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!

But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.

Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree

I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest

If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.

My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness

i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”

washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating

Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me

“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).

My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.