ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
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me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people
boss: you’re not on mute
me: i know.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*