ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
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Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?
Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time
*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
hardest line in real life
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Cucumbers Anonymous
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway