Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?

Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.

She was rare…

… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.

When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place

Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.

Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.

*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*

Pretty fly for a white guy.

me: i’m late

boss: again?

me: it’s yours

A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.

I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am

COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.

ME: You mean, don’t take?

COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.

I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.

Me, Playing Twister

10: I win again!

20: Let’s play naked!

35: The dots seem farther apart.

45: I need to go to the ER.

If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice

When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.

2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.

Me: Don’t lick the dog.

2: He licked me first.

God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead

[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good

I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.

[bank robbery]

Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit

If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question

Well damn. Winter weather during the winter. What the hell is that all about?

Today’s assignment:

Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself

*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?

When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.

Neither of us has slept in 16 years.

I’ll be mad as hell!

my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????

Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?

Yea. Me nether.

“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers