annoying that i have to flush three times to get rid of all my billiard balls
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My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.