Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out

The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.

[after my funeral]

Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—

My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.

These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.

Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.

wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped

Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?

Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.

Friend: You’re being dramatic.

Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.

F: Seriously?

Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.

Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life

If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?

If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors

If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not

Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.

Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess

I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact

I hate what you’ve done with the place.

wife: what’s bothering you, hun?

attila: the romans

2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you

If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter

Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.

[getting arrested for public nudity]

Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD

Me: …

Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD

hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please

“you mean a bloody mary”

yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up

I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder

{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.

My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account

I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?

Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out

[first date]

HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?

ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when

It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones