annoying that i have to flush three times to get rid of all my billiard balls
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Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
This kinda thing happens to me often
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…