Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
You Might Also Like
Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today
Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”