Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
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You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain