Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
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If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”