Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”

You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.

I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.

If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!

I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…

Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door

dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]

To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.

You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”

*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit

There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one

When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?

My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.

If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.

[alien taking notes]

Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.

1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*

Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.

a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”

Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST

When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.

At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man

Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?

An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.

Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.

Both hands Mommy!

-my 4yo the backseat driver.

they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn

I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.

I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.

We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.

I’m not stressed