Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.

Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis

1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos

[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?

Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.

How the stock market works:

Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!

Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.

[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?

WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again

ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?

It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.

[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]

“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies

I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.

Godzilla was the first house flipper.

Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!

Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea

become ungovernable

Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?

Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.

As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.

I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.

Maybe during this year’s colonoscopy they’ll find your brain

I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.

Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”

he’s sick of your bullshit today

Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.

Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit

Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube

Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car

My wife: “Do you even like writing?”

Me: “I like having written.”

Dear People who like me,

I appreciate every single two of you.