Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
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GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account