Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.

My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.

Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.

COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”

GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.

Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.

My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?

My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing

before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.

Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.

date: are you looking for love?

me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels

It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.

Jesus, take the wheel!

*steering wheel disappears*

*car careens into tree*

Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?

Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste

I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.

Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.

Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.

whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong

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got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price

*third date, back at my place*

me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?

me: milk for me please

date: [visibly disappointed]

me: uh make that 2 milks

Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles

They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff

This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen

My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.

Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest

[Airport security supervillain screening]

AGENT: Spell ‘haha’

ME: OK, ‘M’,–

AGENT: ur under arrest

them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*

When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.