Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
I’m calling the cops.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
new wife guy just dropped
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Breaking news:
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
