Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me

[i witness a crime]

COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement

ME: ok

[at the station]

ME: a hotdog is a sandwich

Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?

Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M

I work at Home Depot.

White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers

Me: Thank you for that information

Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?

Tamale guy: yes

Me: I’ll take three

Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham

WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again

Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”

Genie:

Dr: What seems to be the problem?

Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.

Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?

Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….

Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.

Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.

Me: Fake?

Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.

He seems to be following some sort of pattern.

Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned

me: my father shall hear of this

them: is he powerful and wealthy?

me: no we’re just close

The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.

defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!

The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.

Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no

“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere

5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?

Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.

[date]

ME: Tell me about yourself

HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire

ME: That’s weird

HER: What is?

ME: Being afraid of stairs

If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed

Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.

Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane

Judge: you’re representing yourself

It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.

My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.

As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times

Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.

Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”

Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.

Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.