Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.

17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.

I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.

Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.

Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!

chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?

Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup

it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution

Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.

Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.

My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas

In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic

I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.

ME: So what do you do?

DATE: I’m a chef in the army.

ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.

HER: *already in an Uber

Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.

Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*

The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.

my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her

My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.

Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.

Narrator: He he not gotten very far.

My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.

I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/

[first day as a director]

me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup

This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”

Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake

It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.

So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?

Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.

Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.