[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
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My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
perfect
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house