Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.

I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.

Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss

Me: please don’t; it’ll get better

Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-

Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison

How about a bird that ruins people’s lives

-God creating roosters

*plays Eye of the Tiger*

*starts runni…*

*yeah, screw this*

5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?

Me: *cuts it differently*

5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*

Me: Why aren’t you eating it?

5yo: Because it’s not the same!

Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”

Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”

I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism

What is the HOA going to do about the noisy kids who keep coming in my house and demanding dinner and calling me mom

I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.

Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link

Imma get shredded!

Goes to the cheese aisle.

I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang

Halloween cuteness.. 🎃

🎥 IG: mr.smokey21

favorite tropes as memes

“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”

Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman

Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.

If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.

My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”

Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.

I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.

Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.

I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.

I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any

[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine