Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.

doctor: god you’re unhealthy

me: we haven’t started the check-up

doctor: ya i just found your insta

Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.

they really wanted me dead for this

Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!

Priest: This is communion…

M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-

P: Leave.

Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist

My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.

A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.

Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.

me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free

wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?

me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free

Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.

Coworker: What?

Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.

Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.

Me: Yes.

So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs

*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No

I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.

Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.

“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.

[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]

“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice

No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.

Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.

I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.

Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.

[5:30 AM alarm goes off]

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?

Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.

My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.

“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”

– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing

It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.

“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.

Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something