[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
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*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Erm I’m gonna say no
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
#Caturday
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.