Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t beat an alive horse either.

I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen

a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.

my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane

I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco

10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.

Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]

My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.

Me: Now do you believe me?

Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.

Me: Then who made all that ice?

Wife: *walks away*

Me: WHO?!

Me: What’s your favorite fruit?

Son #2: Tacos.

Me: No, I said fruit.

S2: You have my answer.

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.

Me: It’s my guide dog.

Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…

I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.

My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.

Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”

GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”

Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”

[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me

ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt

ME: thanks i worked really hard on it

If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.

“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick

Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?

All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.

A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.

If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.

📸: @blessingmanifesting

#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth

I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.

me: one big skeleton please

clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s

me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please

Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.

The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already

I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.