Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”

-captain of the Titanic

I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”

i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire

if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks

Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.

To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri

smh

– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny

[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]

Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?

Me: Virus?

If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.

Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:

I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.

“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”

– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone

Him: How was your day?

Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.

Don’t be afraid to love yourself…

…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.

“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games

WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?

ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?

We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.

[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?

Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that

The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.

Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.

Me: hold on are you—

roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:

Me:—Bob Ross?

I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!

[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world

Me: “Take me to your leader!”

60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*

What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?

*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*

[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legs

Angel: whoa, intense

God: And and and give em knives for tongues!

Angel: That seems excessive

God: *sigh* Fine, forks

BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test

ME: Hold my bong

Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.