Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Does it…does it take 3 days
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
