Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
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Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”