Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”

Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.

DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.

Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.

Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe

Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.

I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.

My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex

So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.

Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt

Me: safety first 🙂

Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*

Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.

Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.

Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.

CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window

Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.

Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.

*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy

Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”

Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”

Me: *fires him for harassment*

Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk

Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.

where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh

He challenged me to eat just one chip.

So I had two. Dozen.

Me: I’ll cook

Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?

UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.

Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere

Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes

[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”

Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like

I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.

*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar

Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.

What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car