Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.

I bet it would have sold millions.

Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain

Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight

Him: It’s ok, babe

Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?

*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*

“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate

For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.

I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.

First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.

I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself

Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.

Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.

I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.

I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me

Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!

Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised

Me: *continues eating

Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.

[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup

My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.

Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché

When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.

We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.

When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”

I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!

Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.

*first date*

Her: I’m a bit of a night owl

Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl

H: Well, aren’t you a hoot

I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?

when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it

I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.

Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.

My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.