another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
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Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?