another case of gang violins
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My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.