another case of gang violins
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Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress
it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid