Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
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Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?