Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
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Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
lol
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect