Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
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Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
I need to update my racial profile.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
jesus, what did this guy do
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
😭😭
