another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
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HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something