Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.

Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?

Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.

Wife: okay no.

*hits bong*

*abuses bong*

*bong calls bong protection agency*

*bong custody taken*

*bong put in foster home*

*bong misses old life*

*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*

Him:*middle finger*

Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED

me: clean your room
teen: okay

(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!

(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*

And now we wait.

My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.

On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.

Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river

This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.

*getting ready for bed*

Me: Oh did you lock the front door?

Burglar: I’ll go check it

Me: Thanks hon

Wife:

When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!

I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.

I eat children for a living

You what?

I said I feed children

Oh haha thought you sa-

TO MY MOUTH

Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar

Me too kid, me too

Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.

How to really enjoy the rain:

1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits

Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”

Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again

-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target

Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”

Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus

My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.

2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle

director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.

Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.

My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.

the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders

You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?

As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.

I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.

“Do you want to hold my baby?”

Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.