Another day, another…goddammit
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I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
It finally happened, someone filming for their man on the street interview tiktok series at washington square park accidentally approached another person there trying to film a man on the street interview tiktok series
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.