Another day, another…goddammit
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me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Print is alive and well!!!
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies