another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
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I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I need to get some bricks…
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.