another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
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Trumpy Cat
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
When you’re Kinky but poor
You have been warned.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars