Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
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I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.