Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
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Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
only 11 steps left
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school