Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
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The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Thursday
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Name another movie that mislead you?
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
New tinder profile pic
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.