Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
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putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…