Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
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My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Never thought owning a bakery would have me handwrite love letters for long distance couples sending each other breads but here I am. This is literally the thirdest I’ve ever wheeled without even being even there
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.