Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
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shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”
I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
*ernest hemingway voice*
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
In banana years, I am bread.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*