Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
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The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
