Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
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ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
me opening up to someone
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.