Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
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[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what