Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
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I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
the short answer to this question
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Y’all ready for this
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants