Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
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If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…