Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.

Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?

Fireman: ….

{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?

thoughts?

I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?

[At the restaurant]

One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.

I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.

CW: I think you’re two-faced

Me: Why don’t you say that to my face

CW: I just did!

Me: No. My other face.

Choose your own adventure:

S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P

Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?

woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay

How to grab a women’s attention:

1. Be a glass of wine.

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM

Invisible Hands Adam: shit

“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”

Aliens: WHAT

If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse

Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here

It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.

Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”

Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun

HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP

Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!

~ me, pleading with my hair

*rolls up sleeves*

*gets high on sleeves*

The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!

I can’t be the only one 😂

her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?

me: he’s my life coach

her: you wanna go to olive garden?

*duck whispers in my ear*

me: that’s a yes

Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)

A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW

CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice

Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?

me: hi do you take walk-ins

the morgue: what

I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.

The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?

Trainer: How often do you exercise?

Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?

T: Uhhh sure.

M: Ok then still not that often

I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…