Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message

If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.

me: do you want to play some ps4?

frenchman: oui

me: no we only have the playstation

Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance

Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*

Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*

I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished

When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way

Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection

I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids

[5 min into first date]

Her: I have a pug named Piglet-

Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn

My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.

My relationship with tea has always been strained.

“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”

– every stoplight

People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be

Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”

Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns

I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”

Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.

I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.

They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.

Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]

LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN

“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”

Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?

My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”

Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”

If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”

[at checkout counter]

Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no

Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻‍♂️

My 4yo is in a know-it-all phase where every time he asks a question he prefaces by saying “I already know this but can you remind me…” I told him there was a guy named Plato who said we’re born knowing everything and merely rediscover things, and he said “yeah I knew that”

Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.

Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes

Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?

Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.