Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
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I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Somedays I just love AI so much
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
One of the best
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”