Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
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Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
