Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
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No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Nice try, NASA
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.