Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
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Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
here we go again
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
do horses think humans are hats
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
