Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
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I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Uh oh 👀
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?